secrets, secrets are no fun.

Tonight I sat parked in my 98' Nissan Altima

crying alone in a gas station parking lot.

Dad called, said he's already found a new girl.
Divorce isn't even final yet.

He took her to California this weekend on a secret vacation.

Didn't even try to call me or visit me.

I haven't seen my dad in months.

I, of course, am the only child he told.

 If I don't comply

do as he says

keep my mouth shut about it

ill be "sorry."

So, my lips are sealed...Just as they always have been.

I'd say I would be scared about Mom finding out,

that it would break her fragile heart.

But to be completely honest

I truly don't think she's got anything left in there.

I can see it in her eyes. They're dull.

Can't remember if I've ever seen happiness in my mothers eyes.

It makes me sad.

I want to help my family but everyone is so far gone in so many different directions

I couldn't hear them even if they screamed.

I wish they were here. I wish my brothers were here.

I miss them. I get so emotional if I even think about them.

They don't know it, but those dumb sons of bitches are the only things in my life

that have stayed constant, and have stayed a happy thing in my life. I miss them.

I miss how everything used to be. I don't want to feel alone anymore.

Golden Titanic

Its a vicious cycle and this frost bite is getting painful

the wailing is fading and Jacks already lost under the sea

i'm sinking
.
.
falling
.
.
a downward spiral that no high can propel me out of

just me this time;

looking up through this dirt tunnel into the vast night sky

wondering

when everything became so far away

when did everything become so far away?

People will say they miss you

but don't be fooled

they don't know the promises or the lies they make

they're on the same ship as you

speaking through the ice water in their lungs

Thinking God will save them.

Distracted by death

the shivering sounds of their last dying breath

Echoes a two toned blue that we can never resuscitate

We're all holding each others heads under just to breathe

who knew air was as precious as gold?

You were as precious as gold

you were so precious to me

and now everyone is sinking

on this dying ship

No one is safe

We can't escape this cold

and you are no longer my gold

34%

There's an itching in my brain, its

not exactly on the surface

i've been more in tune with God and

less distracted by the churches

Sometimes wish for death but

We all know thats worthless

you hurt in the night

waiting for some Devil to come put coins over your eyes, and

instead he binds your tongue, well

maybe God was wrong about second chances


Maybe I was wrong about me


And if wickedness never was happiness

why does this sadness make me smile


I'm sicker now, the dog was ashamed to lose

can anyone tell me why feelings are so hard to choose?


My brain is innocent

walking through a war zone

choking in debris

kinda just like me

and, just like me

its weak and therefore worthless


But ill be alright

don't you worry about me

Im waiting for a miracle to save us and

maybe I will wake up


please, just, 


tell me when it ends.

I know I'm not a bad person for shaking where my leg bends

but I'm small and this world is getting heavy

and all this pressure has made my heart weak and unsteady.

Ramblings for me

Its like a crushing weight you can feel on every inch of your body, inside and out

Sometimes it gets so heavy its actually difficult to breathe

or even move. 

its actually proven that your nerves are affected with depression, you can feel physical pain if you become sad enough, I didn't know that.

When it happens to me, its always usually most painful in my chest/heart, and the back of my legs. sometimes my arms/hands.

I got sick for a week and a half recently. Its not helping the situation to be confined to my bed, but at least I have an excuse now. 

I don't know

Im so happy. 

I think. I think I am. I can't decipher my feelings anymore. my mind won't focus on it long enough for me to figure it out. 

I don't know what I want anymore either. Ive been asking myself every day whats most important to me, and the answer can change within the minute. Its exhausting.

I don't know

I miss some of my friends

And I miss the mountains. I really miss the stars, I miss my family.

I miss thinking I knew what I wanted, and working towards it. Painting my face in the bathroom and creating characters, enjoying my skill.

Now I get condescended to for it, I know I'm not great at my craft, but I feel so small.

I miss when things weren't so bland. I miss being excited for something. Now I'm just going through the motions and I have no direction. I don't know what the fuck I want to do and I hate it. 

I don't want to do anything. 

When I hide away I just want to be with people. I want to feel happiness. When I'm with people, I want nothing more than to be alone or be in bed. 

Things aren't going the way I want them to, but I'm not motivated enough to even try to fix it.

I don't give a shit. 

Horrible excuse. I shouldn't be saying these things. Everyone gets sad. Everyone has shit to deal with, I'm just pathetic and I can't handle anything. 

Im developing such a deep rooted loathing for myself, in such a new way I never thought possible. No wait, I like myself.

I don't realize that I'm sad half the time until someone asks me if Im okay. or tells me that I don't look good. 

Drugs don't give me happiness anymore.

People out here are untrustworthy. 

The Church isn't working anymore.

I don't want to paint. 

I don't want to exercise.

I want to help people. I want to make them laugh, do something huge for them. Something that they will always remember and be grateful for. I want to travel, and make memories with random people all over the world and connect with them. I want to feel loved.

I want to be motivated, I want to stop pleasing bad people. And, I want to stop being so trapped inside my head. I need to get out but I don't know how anymore. 

Stalker

Well, I never thought this would happen to me but I officially have a stalker. And its ruining my life already.

I decided to go to a couple church activities to get to know more people out here, because people in the FX world are hard to deal with sometimes and can actually be pretty mean. So, like I said, I went to church, and a Family home evening activity. I met a boy there, He's a new convert to the church, has sleeve tattoos, kinda quiet, but seemed nice. I usually tend to gravitate toward people like that naturally, so we started talking a little bit during those two activities. By the end of the second activity (FHE) he was really friendly and asking me to stay and play volleyball with everyone. I had already told another group of kids in the ward I would go out to dinner with them, they invited me first.

I felt bad about it, So I found him on Instagram, added him and told him sorry lol. We started talking, and he asked if we could hang out sometime. I have been kind of getting desperate for friends, as moving to a new state completely alone can really freaking suck. So we hung out on Wednesday. He picked me up in his Tahoe, and we drove to a random place chalk full of dirt mountains and desert land. It was cool, the moon was full and it casted a really pretty light down on these mini mountains.

But the longer I hung out with this kid the weirder things started to get. Right when I got into the car, I knew he was nervous. He was speaking a million miles an hour, and rambling like Ive never heard before. It didn't bother me at first, like I said, I just thought he was nervous. But as the night progressed, things started getting stranger and stranger.

We found a paved road on a hill and sat down, we had a great view of the moon and we talked for a while. He kept trying to hold my hand and touch me in any way he could, but I kept telling him to ease up because I didn't even know him. He listened for a little bit, told me his life story, and ill admit its a really sad and messed up one. It made me hurt just thinking about some of the abuse he has had to take, and I empathized with him. After his stories were over, he turns to me and stares at me for a good 15 seconds before saying "I've seen this before."

I ask him what he meant, and he replies "I've had a dream about this night before, with the woman of my dreams, but she never had a face...until now" I just stared at him, what the hell do you say back to that? I've known this kid for like 10 hours? I laughed it off, and started talking about other things. We got on the topic of mormonism and how I felt about it. I told him how I really want to start getting back in church and get back on track with things, and he cuts me off to say the most terrifying things I have ever heard.

"I could definitely see us getting married. and soon. Well, not soon, I would wait at least 2 months before we got engaged. But I definitely see a future with us." My eyes Bulged out of my head. "What??" Then he says "I like you. But I hate having competition with other guys so I need to know that you like me and only me, I don't want you dating anyone else. I need to be able to call you mine." This kid is a freak.

The whole way back to the car he was talking about how I need to be his and how our kids would be so cute, how he believes in love at first sight and the moment he laid eyes on me he "knew" I was special and he fell for me, etc. I was silent through most of it with the occasional awkward laugh thrown in to break up the tension. I had no idea what to do. Is this kid going to murder me?

We get in the car and he starts playing tons of Emo/Screamo songs that "remind him of me" and I had to sit there and listen, acting like I was interested in this shit. Finally, he listens to me and decides to take me home because I had work at 4:30 am. He drops me off, says he misses me already, and by this point I can't get out of the car fast enough. I walk up the stairs to my apartment and...its locked...and...I forgot that I left my keys inside. Usually my roommate leaves the door unlocked so I didn't think to take my keys. F*CK.

I go back down the stairs and of course this weirdo is still waiting there for me for some reason. I tell him what happened, and we try to figure it out. My roommate wouldn't answer the door, the banging on his window, calls or texts. I was completely locked out and had work in just a few hours. So, unfortunately I had to sleep in his car with him in the UFC gym parking lot. But we all know I didn't sleep. No way. 5:45 am rolls around and I tell him thanks and goodbye, and I start my eternally long 8 hour work shift. I want to cry. I have already been up for 24 hours at this point, and I'm exhausted.

I get through about 5 hours of my shift and I can't take it anymore I'm so tired. I ask to go home and they let me, except I almost had to walk 5.5 miles home, because my keys were in the apartment. Luckily I got a ride home from Carlos, and I texted my roommate to leave the door unlocked for me when he went to work. I got home at about 10:30 am, and crashed HARD until 5 or 6 pm. I woke up to 30 text messages and 6 missed calls. I was so confused, but as I read I realized what had happened.

THIS CRAZY ASS STALKING GUY literally came into my work after I left (about 3:00 pm) and was asking the Manager where I was. My manager thought he was creepy so he wouldn't tell him, and after leaving my work, apparently he freaked out and sent me all those messages asking where I was, who I was with, why I wasn't at work, etc. I was shocked, scared, and pissed the hell off. Who does he think he is coming into my work like that? I let him know real quick that if he ever did that shit again he would regret it.

I don't know what to do, this guy is in my ward, he knows where I work, where I live, my name, he has everything he needs. Im genuinely scared that he's not going to leave me alone. Im going to talk to my bishop about it this Sunday and hopefully he will have some good insight on what to do. But seriously, I can't catch a break. Ever since I moved here my life has been insane. lol.

So theres that.