Smile because God might be taking a picture

In the midst of all this sadness

I've kept a journal and wrote down short sentences throughout the week
on big and/or little things that personally make me happy,
and assembled it into a post, for your reading pleasures.

Distraction always has been my cure for sad times. This worked quite well.
But its really cheesy, so

shutup

                            Feb 26th, 2015

I'm so happy that whoever is reading this (you) is alive.

and I'm not just saying that to say it.

I genuinely am happy that you are here...breathing, thinking, feeling..

 Whatever it may be, I'm stoked the Earth is your stomping grounds.

                                 March 1st, 2015

I smile at the friends I've made this year.

finally not ones that care about "popularity" or "drugs"
or those who base how "cool" you are on the 1-10 "Hot Scale"
But ones that actually like me, and accept me.
Sucks it took me until senior year to find them. But at least I did right?

                               Feb 27th, 2015

I'm grateful to have a home, that the sky is blue
I'm real happy that I can spit my gum into the trash from really far away. 
-like really far. I'm not kidding, its like from really really far away.-
Happy That the canyon is so close
And that the music is closer
I love how cold the air is in the morning
Stoked I know how to make apple pie from scratch, 
And that I still haven't found anyone that can beat me in Super Smash Bros. (other than my brother Landon.)

               March 2nd, 2015

I'm happy I met you, even though at times I wish I never did
happy I grew up in the family I did, even if they know how to raise hell
I'm happy I've gone through all I have, because now I can relate to others and help them

and that makes me pretty happy.

SO excited this divorce will probably happen
thrilled you're having another baby girl
and relieved that you're finally doing well.

                    March 1st, 2015

Still giddy about the fact we started talking in Rios' class this year
and that I decided to give you that rose,
Pumped you asked me on a date.
Happy we kissed
Happy that you're happy that we kissed, too

                  Feb 26th, 2015

I smile because my heart hasn't stopped beating
and laugh at the fact that my lungs haven't given out
I thank god that I know what it feels like to be all alone
to just breathe on my own

                          Feb 28th, 2015

I love the fact that we help create other peoples lives
a small fragment in a sea of experiences
a sentence in a book of memories.
it makes me happy to know that you're all apart of me and I'm apart of you.

                      March 3rd, 2015

My brothers make me happy

My dogs are so cute that I want to kill them

I miss everyone that we've lost,

but Im happy that they're happy with God.

I'm happy.

                     March 3rd, 2015

-5:00 p.m.-

 pissed AF that the line at IHOP is so long

-7:00 p.m.-

I dont think im going to get my pancakes

-9:00 p.m.-

I didnt get my pancakes so im going to Dennys

-11:45 p.m.-

I got my pancakes but I slipped on ice and fell on my face

I don't know.

I'm just happy to be me

happy to be alive

I'm happy you're all alive,

choosing to stay.


...  I love you guys

and I hope you all find a reason to smile every day.

insadnity insadnity proshchannya

Too much going on inside my head right now, cant bring myself to string any decent lines together....Sometimes a song can say it better than you can, right?

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend.

I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversation.

with the sidewalk and the pigeons, and my window reflection.

the mascot polish in the evening by the morning looks likes shit. 

And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss.

So many men stronger than me have thrown there backs out tryin' to lift it.

but me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split.

The love I sell you in the evening by the morning wont exist.

You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black

just keep going to the bathroom always say you'll be right back

well it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad.

But whats so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag.

I've got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train.

And if you promise to stay conscious, I will try and do the same.

We might die from medication but we sure killed all the pain.

But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this

the reasons all have run away but the feeling never did

its, not something I would recommend but it is one way to live.

whats so simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is"

Lua- Bright Eyes

Proshchannya

Heavy eyes

tired soul

packed my bags

ready to go.

heart is sunk

this was expected

 by God, the Devil's won

He never left my side.

I close my child eyes and I see my sisters face

just a teardrop falling from Gods eye

broken spine

unhinged mind

clock's running out of time

trapped under the world

chained inside violent thoughts

suffocation from an imploding chest

I'm not a star

never was

Come close so I can push you away

drive drunk and weep till judgement day

pray on bruised knees

 for a tree to come directly your way...

but 

we all know

The giving tree gave too much;

she wasn't really happy

Trying to think of words to write

But there's nothing poetic about redundancy

nothing beautiful about bloody flowers

no mystery inside a pair of motionless ribs

so I guess I'll finish by saying

Proshchannya Proshchannya 

It doesnt have to make sense at 1 am

We started the night playing "Sorry" in your room,

 and we ended it by trying to say it to our parents. 

Only problem was, we couldn't find our voices.

As kids we make dumb mistakes,

 some kiss bottles, some kiss babes...hell! majority of us have all lost 

track of our grades.. Impulse, desire, blame and pressure. I'm not sure 

I could feel any "lesser" because,

"kids aren't supposed to flirt with the devil"

and "kids aren't meant to ingest the sun"

But we do anyway.

Tick.

Everything was fine, Although I could see her fingertips projecting demonic sunshine.

Tick.

Her arms ached for Mom, and her neck had begun to shiver without its head..

 but now all that's left is her broken frame. crack. crease. stain.

-tickticktick-

Are you okay? You know you're looking a little bit gray...

I remember I couldn't respond..not with my mouth or my thought.

But I could..I could with the rhythm of my heart:

"help me.

help me.

help me.

help me."

deep sea green eyes turn to sidewalk chalk-TICK

needles stab veins like a cold February break up-TICK

Mother Earth caught you dancing in the rain-TICK

find a reason to hang on find a reason to-TICK

.

.

.

BREATHE. 

When the ticks went away, so did the pride.

And I never told you this, but your eyes were a lovely shade of brown.

.

.

.

people werent created to say goodbye.

Because, I look at you, I see all the ways that a soul can bruise, 

and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your 

spine ...so you know that there's nothing but light when I see you. 

Breathe..

Be happy.

Be happy.

I am happy.

Tick

thoughts all over the place

Alcohol in your veins 

burdens itching at my brain

stolen jewelry cant hold us together anymore

mom says life's never going to be the same. 

There's girls refusing food in America, 

and children being starved in Africa.

The world has become chaos' b*tch

cops bodies are being found in a ditch

"but really, who even gives a sh*t"?
.
.
.
I filled my ears with lighter fluid

in hopes I could come up with an idea

hot enough to create a spark

then just maybe I could rescue my mind out from this dark.

But I'm 17 years old mom, and truth be told

I know nothing of marriage or divorce.

I have grown weary from this game you call Therapy 

and I love you, but it looks like our time is up.


World wide news has etched a tangible worry into his head

trying to replace his heart with 3 parts anger to 2 parts alcohol.


Kids are being beaten, 

Teens are huffing glue

Husbands are watching porn 

making sure to leave their wives at the door.


Prozac, Effexor and Celexa 

Valium, Vodka and Zyprexa 

and 4 years worth of Lunesta.


The world's at war

She lived her childhood locked outside her parents door,

But day his dead body hit the floor?
.
.
.
I couldn't say that I knew you anymore.

I wonder what has happened to this world we live

I grew up thinking we all had so much to give

and 

I hate to admit

but

I feel i'm losing the will to forgive

                                  .

                                  .

                                  .

I have this vision I replay in my head

one where everyone that we hated was dead..

I never met you in that parking lot

and he was nothing but a mere signature on a goodbye document.

I know I cant change mine...But you can change yours.

So please come forward and leave that cowardliness at the door.

Stop waiting for god to give you a sign

I know you're just biding your time

and I guess....that's fine 

but its not going to be when you're shivering alone underneath the dirt.

It's almost become a countdown 

from when I was 5,

and who knows if you'll make it to 20.

115,

110,

107,

105,

99, 

Stop. 

Stop because I love you.

Stop because he loves you.

The world is at war, and so are we. 

The world is at war, and so is she.

so are you.. and I just wanted to tell you

That I love you. 

I love you.

I love you.

Cut those puppet strings and lets us 3 go be

 lonely together.