Talking out loud. For myself

its 2:22 p.m. and my hair is still a mess. My eyes are still crusted, and the bags underneath them never felt so heavy. I haven't left the bed in a while.

I cant.

I cant eat a piece of bread without warning sirens piercing my heart
I cant feel my arms without the horrible after-taste of embarrassment
I cant stand alone, so I resort to a pair of imperfect hands, and I don't leave.

I want to slowly waste away, and I couldn't explain exactly why..but it sounds real nice sometimes.
I want to etch-a-sketch my brain
scramble it up with a side of insane

Because that's what I feel I am.

Crazy. Going up and down on a Roller Coaster that never ends. I cant escape it, I cant escape anything.

I'm terrified of myself.

I'm terrified that I cant see my bones
I'm terrified that I WANT to see my bones
That sharp objects don't frighten me
and that I'm going to end up like my mom

Its been a month since I've gone to my classes at college now, possibly longer.
I've gotten emails from the teachers asking where I am and that they are concerned for me.
I refuse to use my "illness" as an excuse.

But I have no other explanation.

And I dread the day that I have to tell my children
"the reason mommy didn't complete college was because she was just too sad
to even leave her bed".

Pathetic.

I am pathetic.

In a field.

Dark 

Pale

Sensitive

Tactless

Genius

Thoughtless

Detrimental

Sweet

Bad 

Good

Mysterious

Emotionless

Similar

Different

Addicting

Addicted

Internal conflict has never been so prominent.

I thought you were the only walking contradiction I knew, 

until someone told me that we were the same person.

People need to learn the difference between living in the moment vs. thinking in the moment.

And yes, I'm speaking to the author. 

People need to take into consideration that sometimes having what you want

in the short run is going to stop your heart in the long.

And yes, I'm speaking to the author.

And on that Wednesday night, the moon was half full

but the people were only half there

I wasn't having fun 

But I believed you when you said I would

Shadows loomed and stars began to move

I told god I was not myself

Because I'm not. 

I am not who I am

demons giggled and chapped hands began to quiver.

Folks who always say they'll stay tend to be the ones

who always end up leaving.

Three am is dark and slightly colder when you're alone

The stars and their voices became less friendly 

and so did I

and at 15% we shared a 15 minute call

you gave one too few apologies 

and left a million questions buried beneath my head

God says we need to forgive

And so I did.

God says we need to love

and so I am.

But I don't know how long I can tolerate someone with brown eyes

Brown eyes that are dangerously similar to yours.

But nonetheless 

I gave it to you still beating 

Now lets see how long I can keep breathing.

Goodbye in my eyes and tears in my heart

When I was 8 years old I wanted nothing more than to be an author.

At 10 I gave it up, and I never seriously wrote again until

I was 17. And I signed up for Creative Writing at Lone Peak.

I can honestly say that Creative Writing was one of the best things to happen to me in High School. I learned so many life lessons that no Math or History class could have taught me. I learned to genuinely be comfortable in my own skin, which I was NEVER okay with. I learned everyone has had shit hit the fan at one time or another in their life. I learned that everyone is weird, everyone is terrible, everyone is wonderful.

I'm going to miss Nelson and his incredibly unorthodox teaching methods

and how hilariously refreshing that was.

I'm going to miss the blogs,

and how excited I was to breathe life into Flat Stanley.

I'm going to miss the friends I made, 

Even though we never hung outside of A4, it was still nice.

I'll miss the jokes, the videos, the laughs, the tears.

I'll miss how we came together when we lost 2 knights,

And how all beautiful the posts were at those times.

I'll miss how you guys liked my art. I was embarrassed of it until

I saw how supportive you guys were of it. And that puts a smile 

on my face every time I think about it.

But I think what I'll miss most....

Is being heard. 

having a voice. 

Escaping to creativity.

I'll miss that a lot.

It pains me to know that I wont be seeing your faces every day, 

possibly never again.

Never again.

So If I can say one last thing to you all it would be this:

I love each of you individually more than you actually realize. 

I appreciate you all on a level that you wont know, and I truly do mean that.

I want to thank you all for the genuine smiles you put on my face each class, 

And for making my relentless grey days feel just a little more yellow.

Thank you for including me in your Paris, and letting me be part of this weird family.

I really will miss each and every one of you for specific reasons. And I sincerely hope,

Sincerely hope

That life after this small classroom is everything you all dreamed. 

Take love my dear friends, and don't let your hearts die.

--- 

Flat Stanley 

P.s. I didn't think that my last High School assignment ever would be this hard.

A CJ Orgill inspired goodbye (project #03)

My final project is makeup....NO. WAY. right? So unexpected.

I was just inspired by CJ's art when we were deciding on a book cover a few class periods ago. I like her style of drawing, so I wanted to play around a little and try my hand at it.

I got the idea to do this at about 12 am and finished around 3. I could have been done at 2 am but I didn't really plan this out, and since I was just going off of nothing, I messed up 23425798 times. (more like just me trying out different things to see what looked best), and ended up with

My little goodbye tribute to Paris.


P.s. writing backwards in the mirror on your face with runny paint at 3 am is really hard when you haven't ever done it before

COMPARISON PHOTO

ALL BLACKED OUT

Goodbye my Paris.

Goodbye my friends.

#2015

Now for the Main Event (the main event is Tanner Thompson, obviously)

Oh. My. Word.

I had the big man Tanner Thompson for my blog analysis,

 and to be completely honest I was actually really excited to review his blog. I already knew it was good, and I knew I wouldn't dread reading through everything.

 And I was so right.

Things I loved about his blog:
-The simplicity of it. I don't know how you did it Tanner, but you managed to make your blog simple, yet complicated, and deeper than most blogs I've read. Having those qualities mesh into one harmonious masterpiece is something that I'm very jealous of, and I seriously admire about your blog.

-How powerful his words were. He has an amazing ability to string together words together in such a way that it hits your heart harder than your eyes. I love that.

-The titles I thought were so clever, and they tied into your posts flawlessly.

-The material you wrote about. you executed it so well, and you wrote about the most real things, and that is what keeps people interested. You really know how to draw a reader in.

Things I would have changed:
I seriously couldn't really think of anything other than maybe just adding some pictures here and there, changing the font up, and adding music to your blog. But honestly, none of that really affects your writing, so just forget I said that. Moving on.

I sat here forever reading through Tanners blog, and I could not for the life of me choose even a top 3 favorite posts, but I do have a top 7. They are:

-Answers
-Take me there
-The boy who didn't cry wolf
-I'm afraid we don't add up
-Pronouns
-How to be a doosh bag
-Love is Plagiarism

Something I really thought was unique about Tanner is that he writes cryptically, but not too much. its the perfect amount, so you still know what hes eluding to, yet he keeps you guessing. I seriously think that that is one of my favorite things about your entire blog. I wish I could do that, I am just so straightforward and I hate it. So go you.

Favorite Quotes:
SERIOUSLY THERE ARE SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM
it was starting to piss me off

"Despite the constant flow of O2 by my side, she still gives me reasons to forget to breathe"

"Because, apparently, bad relationships are the funny ones, and broken hearts make people laugh"

"half way to your house my bicycle chain broke, but my legs never stopped moving"

"I knew you came from somewhere else, somewhere good. I remember asking you to take me there. I remember you saying 'Okay' ".


Who is Tanner Thompson to me?

He is a kid I have known since childhood
one of the kids I had a lil crush on in 10th and 11th grade
The kid who dated my childhood best friend
Someone I think insanely high of
And someone who is now in my Top 3 favorite bloggers.
A very real person, and a great friend.

Tanner, you are not only an exceptional writer, but you are an exceptional person. You are one of the most genuine people I know and it really comes through in your blog. Your vocabulary is fantastic, and execution of ideas should get a gold star.

I love your blog, I loved reviewing it, and I love you. I think everyone needs to read you, because you are definitely one to remember.

Sincerely yours,


Flat Stanley (Micah)