Ramblings for me

Its like a crushing weight you can feel on every inch of your body, inside and out

Sometimes it gets so heavy its actually difficult to breathe

or even move. 

its actually proven that your nerves are affected with depression, you can feel physical pain if you become sad enough, I didn't know that.

When it happens to me, its always usually most painful in my chest/heart, and the back of my legs. sometimes my arms/hands.

I got sick for a week and a half recently. Its not helping the situation to be confined to my bed, but at least I have an excuse now. 

I don't know

Im so happy. 

I think. I think I am. I can't decipher my feelings anymore. my mind won't focus on it long enough for me to figure it out. 

I don't know what I want anymore either. Ive been asking myself every day whats most important to me, and the answer can change within the minute. Its exhausting.

I don't know

I miss some of my friends

And I miss the mountains. I really miss the stars, I miss my family.

I miss thinking I knew what I wanted, and working towards it. Painting my face in the bathroom and creating characters, enjoying my skill.

Now I get condescended to for it, I know I'm not great at my craft, but I feel so small.

I miss when things weren't so bland. I miss being excited for something. Now I'm just going through the motions and I have no direction. I don't know what the fuck I want to do and I hate it. 

I don't want to do anything. 

When I hide away I just want to be with people. I want to feel happiness. When I'm with people, I want nothing more than to be alone or be in bed. 

Things aren't going the way I want them to, but I'm not motivated enough to even try to fix it.

I don't give a shit. 

Horrible excuse. I shouldn't be saying these things. Everyone gets sad. Everyone has shit to deal with, I'm just pathetic and I can't handle anything. 

Im developing such a deep rooted loathing for myself, in such a new way I never thought possible. No wait, I like myself.

I don't realize that I'm sad half the time until someone asks me if Im okay. or tells me that I don't look good. 

Drugs don't give me happiness anymore.

People out here are untrustworthy. 

The Church isn't working anymore.

I don't want to paint. 

I don't want to exercise.

I want to help people. I want to make them laugh, do something huge for them. Something that they will always remember and be grateful for. I want to travel, and make memories with random people all over the world and connect with them. I want to feel loved.

I want to be motivated, I want to stop pleasing bad people. And, I want to stop being so trapped inside my head. I need to get out but I don't know how anymore.