Talking out loud. For myself

its 2:22 p.m. and my hair is still a mess. My eyes are still crusted, and the bags underneath them never felt so heavy. I haven't left the bed in a while.

I cant.

I cant eat a piece of bread without warning sirens piercing my heart
I cant feel my arms without the horrible after-taste of embarrassment
I cant stand alone, so I resort to a pair of imperfect hands, and I don't leave.

I want to slowly waste away, and I couldn't explain exactly why..but it sounds real nice sometimes.
I want to etch-a-sketch my brain
scramble it up with a side of insane

Because that's what I feel I am.

Crazy. Going up and down on a Roller Coaster that never ends. I cant escape it, I cant escape anything.

I'm terrified of myself.

I'm terrified that I cant see my bones
I'm terrified that I WANT to see my bones
That sharp objects don't frighten me
and that I'm going to end up like my mom

Its been a month since I've gone to my classes at college now, possibly longer.
I've gotten emails from the teachers asking where I am and that they are concerned for me.
I refuse to use my "illness" as an excuse.

But I have no other explanation.

And I dread the day that I have to tell my children
"the reason mommy didn't complete college was because she was just too sad
to even leave her bed".

Pathetic.

I am pathetic.

In a field.

Dark 

Pale

Sensitive

Tactless

Genius

Thoughtless

Detrimental

Sweet

Bad 

Good

Mysterious

Emotionless

Similar

Different

Addicting

Addicted

Internal conflict has never been so prominent.

I thought you were the only walking contradiction I knew, 

until someone told me that we were the same person.

People need to learn the difference between living in the moment vs. thinking in the moment.

And yes, I'm speaking to the author. 

People need to take into consideration that sometimes having what you want

in the short run is going to stop your heart in the long.

And yes, I'm speaking to the author.

And on that Wednesday night, the moon was half full

but the people were only half there

I wasn't having fun 

But I believed you when you said I would

Shadows loomed and stars began to move

I told god I was not myself

Because I'm not. 

I am not who I am

demons giggled and chapped hands began to quiver.

Folks who always say they'll stay tend to be the ones

who always end up leaving.

Three am is dark and slightly colder when you're alone

The stars and their voices became less friendly 

and so did I

and at 15% we shared a 15 minute call

you gave one too few apologies 

and left a million questions buried beneath my head

God says we need to forgive

And so I did.

God says we need to love

and so I am.

But I don't know how long I can tolerate someone with brown eyes

Brown eyes that are dangerously similar to yours.

But nonetheless 

I gave it to you still beating 

Now lets see how long I can keep breathing.

Goodbye in my eyes and tears in my heart

When I was 8 years old I wanted nothing more than to be an author.

At 10 I gave it up, and I never seriously wrote again until

I was 17. And I signed up for Creative Writing at Lone Peak.

I can honestly say that Creative Writing was one of the best things to happen to me in High School. I learned so many life lessons that no Math or History class could have taught me. I learned to genuinely be comfortable in my own skin, which I was NEVER okay with. I learned everyone has had shit hit the fan at one time or another in their life. I learned that everyone is weird, everyone is terrible, everyone is wonderful.

I'm going to miss Nelson and his incredibly unorthodox teaching methods

and how hilariously refreshing that was.

I'm going to miss the blogs,

and how excited I was to breathe life into Flat Stanley.

I'm going to miss the friends I made, 

Even though we never hung outside of A4, it was still nice.

I'll miss the jokes, the videos, the laughs, the tears.

I'll miss how we came together when we lost 2 knights,

And how all beautiful the posts were at those times.

I'll miss how you guys liked my art. I was embarrassed of it until

I saw how supportive you guys were of it. And that puts a smile 

on my face every time I think about it.

But I think what I'll miss most....

Is being heard. 

having a voice. 

Escaping to creativity.

I'll miss that a lot.

It pains me to know that I wont be seeing your faces every day, 

possibly never again.

Never again.

So If I can say one last thing to you all it would be this:

I love each of you individually more than you actually realize. 

I appreciate you all on a level that you wont know, and I truly do mean that.

I want to thank you all for the genuine smiles you put on my face each class, 

And for making my relentless grey days feel just a little more yellow.

Thank you for including me in your Paris, and letting me be part of this weird family.

I really will miss each and every one of you for specific reasons. And I sincerely hope,

Sincerely hope

That life after this small classroom is everything you all dreamed. 

Take love my dear friends, and don't let your hearts die.

--- 

Flat Stanley 

P.s. I didn't think that my last High School assignment ever would be this hard.

A CJ Orgill inspired goodbye (project #03)

My final project is makeup....NO. WAY. right? So unexpected.

I was just inspired by CJ's art when we were deciding on a book cover a few class periods ago. I like her style of drawing, so I wanted to play around a little and try my hand at it.

I got the idea to do this at about 12 am and finished around 3. I could have been done at 2 am but I didn't really plan this out, and since I was just going off of nothing, I messed up 23425798 times. (more like just me trying out different things to see what looked best), and ended up with

My little goodbye tribute to Paris.


P.s. writing backwards in the mirror on your face with runny paint at 3 am is really hard when you haven't ever done it before

COMPARISON PHOTO

ALL BLACKED OUT

Goodbye my Paris.

Goodbye my friends.

#2015

Now for the Main Event (the main event is Tanner Thompson, obviously)

Oh. My. Word.

I had the big man Tanner Thompson for my blog analysis,

 and to be completely honest I was actually really excited to review his blog. I already knew it was good, and I knew I wouldn't dread reading through everything.

 And I was so right.

Things I loved about his blog:
-The simplicity of it. I don't know how you did it Tanner, but you managed to make your blog simple, yet complicated, and deeper than most blogs I've read. Having those qualities mesh into one harmonious masterpiece is something that I'm very jealous of, and I seriously admire about your blog.

-How powerful his words were. He has an amazing ability to string together words together in such a way that it hits your heart harder than your eyes. I love that.

-The titles I thought were so clever, and they tied into your posts flawlessly.

-The material you wrote about. you executed it so well, and you wrote about the most real things, and that is what keeps people interested. You really know how to draw a reader in.

Things I would have changed:
I seriously couldn't really think of anything other than maybe just adding some pictures here and there, changing the font up, and adding music to your blog. But honestly, none of that really affects your writing, so just forget I said that. Moving on.

I sat here forever reading through Tanners blog, and I could not for the life of me choose even a top 3 favorite posts, but I do have a top 7. They are:

-Answers
-Take me there
-The boy who didn't cry wolf
-I'm afraid we don't add up
-Pronouns
-How to be a doosh bag
-Love is Plagiarism

Something I really thought was unique about Tanner is that he writes cryptically, but not too much. its the perfect amount, so you still know what hes eluding to, yet he keeps you guessing. I seriously think that that is one of my favorite things about your entire blog. I wish I could do that, I am just so straightforward and I hate it. So go you.

Favorite Quotes:
SERIOUSLY THERE ARE SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM
it was starting to piss me off

"Despite the constant flow of O2 by my side, she still gives me reasons to forget to breathe"

"Because, apparently, bad relationships are the funny ones, and broken hearts make people laugh"

"half way to your house my bicycle chain broke, but my legs never stopped moving"

"I knew you came from somewhere else, somewhere good. I remember asking you to take me there. I remember you saying 'Okay' ".


Who is Tanner Thompson to me?

He is a kid I have known since childhood
one of the kids I had a lil crush on in 10th and 11th grade
The kid who dated my childhood best friend
Someone I think insanely high of
And someone who is now in my Top 3 favorite bloggers.
A very real person, and a great friend.

Tanner, you are not only an exceptional writer, but you are an exceptional person. You are one of the most genuine people I know and it really comes through in your blog. Your vocabulary is fantastic, and execution of ideas should get a gold star.

I love your blog, I loved reviewing it, and I love you. I think everyone needs to read you, because you are definitely one to remember.

Sincerely yours,


Flat Stanley (Micah)

revel in my cheesy

It was raining, and a layer of grey clouds coated the sky.
They matched perfectly to your jacket.
And the atmosphere, it was dark, but inside..
it was sunny inside. Cause baby, you
you are a surgeon
and ill never understand how
but I woke up this rainy morning with a scar on my sternum,
sunlight falling out my throat, and my brain leaking from my eyes.

it was raining, and the sun wasn't in the sky.
because of you
I now have the sun in my chest
the sun in my chest
the sun in my chest
and 9 clouds...supporting the balls of my feet.

with you, I'm on cloud 9.
8 years old again. just plain happy.
wanting 7 more kisses
and ends up giving you 6 of them
asking for 5 more minutes
when you can only stay for 4
wanting to say a 3 word goodbye
and always giving you 2 hugs
instead of 1.

because you are the only 1 anyone should see on rainy days.

Your palms may be a little sweaty, but my hands are a drought that needed the moisture anyway.
you've got that crooked tooth
and I always thought it matches perfectly with my crooked heart
messy hair that melds with my messy car
and weirdly long arms that i've thought were always ideal for hugs


It was raining
and the words "I love you" were etched onto your forearm
It was raining
and I know god was sad
maybe that was why the sky was crying that morning
but I was happy,
and I don't know if I should be more worried about gods feelings
or mine.

All I know is that it was raining that day
and I wish it rained more.

3/27/15. 3-27-15.

Losing you has been just as hard as any of the other people I've lost in my life.

and, life has been real crummy for me lately..so losing you especially right now 

has made it ten times harder.

A dog, is truly mans best friend..and you were mine. 

Going to be pretty lonely going on canyon drives by myself now..

gonna miss your giant body laying on top of me trying to cuddle

 definitely going to miss that playful (terrifyingly deep) growl

those giant paws

that abnormally large nose (with a gray speckle on it)

and so...so much more.

you were the sweetest

and anyone who knew you would agree

that

You were so much more than just a dog.

I love you Indie boo

Go get those birds in heaven for me.

TiredEyesTiredMindTiredHeartTiredMicah

Couldn't sleep

So I went for a walk,

Underneath the stars.

They never seem to cast enough light

Couldn't sleep tonight.

So I ran away from 2 am through 6

I like doing this, because I always get scared out there, walking all alone.

I'm happy I get scared, it reminds me that I still want to live.

I still want to breathe

Taste the air and hug the sun

And when I go home, I always drift away a little easier.

But not tonight.

I kept thinking of how you're not him, and him belongs to she
and he hasn't seen me in 4 now, not 3..and brown eyes,
rotten memories that trick my lips into a smile
and I wish you would get out of my head
so I'd feel just a little less dead.....please.


Let me sleep.



I guess there are just some heartaches that a walk cant fix.


Cant sleep.

Cause.. I'm just real sad.

Stubborn heads refuse to listen

and hunger pains rattle up spinal cords

kinda like the way that that funeral music knocks at your door

 and

because no wall, ceiling or locked door can protect us or you
from those horrible angry lungs

or the anticipation of that droopy, weak heart finally hitting the floor.


But I really wish...

No.


We were fools to think we were fine, and that
rainbows are not equally as temporary as storm clouds are.



I just want to sleep.


Because I've grown tired of pretending I'm awake.

and, I admit I really do miss the way a smile can warm up
a cold face.

Reminiscing

When I was in the fourth grade, the School boundary changed, and I was forced to switch

from Highland Elementary, to Westfield. My best friend Emma Egan and I were pretty upset about it.

 

In the fifth grade, I caught my teacher Mrs.Humble looking at Victoria's Secret lingerie online. it didn't click until I was older that around that time she had also recently been engaged..........oolala.

 

In the sixth grade I had the worlds most awful teacher, and through his atrociousness, I gained

some classmates whom I am still friends with to this day. Seriously, this teacher was awful. He

got fired at the end of the year. I could write a novel on this guy. 

 

Seventh grade I had a crush on Chantz Cook, but he didn't even know I existed.

My best friend Tiffany Hurwitz was going out with Keaton Zaragoza. I know you will all

remember him if you went to Timberline.

 

Eighth grade, I broke 100 pounds and got my braces off. People started talking to me.

I started doing worse in school, I got my first (Rape) kiss from Bowman Daley

in front of everyone at Jake Richeys house. Later that summer, Chantz Cook kissed me.

 

You can imagine my excitement.

 

Ninth Grade, I got suspended from school with Ethan Bradshaw for "vandalizing" the

island lockers. I broke the school record in the long jump, and went to 7 funerals in 6 months.

 

That year sucked for me.

 

Tenth grade, I did lots of bad things. I made lots of bad choices that still haunt me to this day.

I was very depressed and sad most of the time, failed some classes, but did some illegal things that

now make for some funny stories.

 

Eleventh Grade I spent majority of that year trying to fit into a group that I sure as hell did

not fit in with. I spent my weekends with rooms full of people, yet never feeling more alone.

did better in school, got my patriarchal blessing, but by the end of the year, I was making bad choices again.

 

Senior year.

 

-I found the friends I fit in with

-I'm happy for the most part

-he switched schools (hallelujah)

-My grades are pure comedy

-I smile more

-laugh more

 -made stupid choices

-Achieved the record for most absences at LP

-Went to the ER 

-Got offers in California for my makeup career

-Finally content with who I am

-Witnessing the beginning stages of my parents inevitable divorce

-lost my house, lost more loved ones

than I should have.

 

 

looking back on this makes me nostalgic and sad and happy and grateful and all of the above.

 

 I'm happy I got to grow up with all of you.

and I am grateful that you are all apart of my memories, and that I

got to be apart of yours.

 

 

I graduate in 10.428 weeks

 

I graduate in 73 days

 

We graduate in 1,752 hours

 

We start our lives in 105,120 minutes

 

6,307,200 seconds

 

I'm glad we choose to stay

 

ZOM-BAE

Felt inspired by Nelsons past 

performance of the Zombie poem.

Smile because God might be taking a picture

In the midst of all this sadness

I've kept a journal and wrote down short sentences throughout the week
on big and/or little things that personally make me happy,
and assembled it into a post, for your reading pleasures.

Distraction always has been my cure for sad times. This worked quite well.
But its really cheesy, so

shutup

                            Feb 26th, 2015

I'm so happy that whoever is reading this (you) is alive.

and I'm not just saying that to say it.

I genuinely am happy that you are here...breathing, thinking, feeling..

 Whatever it may be, I'm stoked the Earth is your stomping grounds.

                                 March 1st, 2015

I smile at the friends I've made this year.

finally not ones that care about "popularity" or "drugs"
or those who base how "cool" you are on the 1-10 "Hot Scale"
But ones that actually like me, and accept me.
Sucks it took me until senior year to find them. But at least I did right?

                               Feb 27th, 2015

I'm grateful to have a home, that the sky is blue
I'm real happy that I can spit my gum into the trash from really far away. 
-like really far. I'm not kidding, its like from really really far away.-
Happy That the canyon is so close
And that the music is closer
I love how cold the air is in the morning
Stoked I know how to make apple pie from scratch, 
And that I still haven't found anyone that can beat me in Super Smash Bros. (other than my brother Landon.)

               March 2nd, 2015

I'm happy I met you, even though at times I wish I never did
happy I grew up in the family I did, even if they know how to raise hell
I'm happy I've gone through all I have, because now I can relate to others and help them

and that makes me pretty happy.

SO excited this divorce will probably happen
thrilled you're having another baby girl
and relieved that you're finally doing well.

                    March 1st, 2015

Still giddy about the fact we started talking in Rios' class this year
and that I decided to give you that rose,
Pumped you asked me on a date.
Happy we kissed
Happy that you're happy that we kissed, too

                  Feb 26th, 2015

I smile because my heart hasn't stopped beating
and laugh at the fact that my lungs haven't given out
I thank god that I know what it feels like to be all alone
to just breathe on my own

                          Feb 28th, 2015

I love the fact that we help create other peoples lives
a small fragment in a sea of experiences
a sentence in a book of memories.
it makes me happy to know that you're all apart of me and I'm apart of you.

                      March 3rd, 2015

My brothers make me happy

My dogs are so cute that I want to kill them

I miss everyone that we've lost,

but Im happy that they're happy with God.

I'm happy.

                     March 3rd, 2015

-5:00 p.m.-

 pissed AF that the line at IHOP is so long

-7:00 p.m.-

I dont think im going to get my pancakes

-9:00 p.m.-

I didnt get my pancakes so im going to Dennys

-11:45 p.m.-

I got my pancakes but I slipped on ice and fell on my face

I don't know.

I'm just happy to be me

happy to be alive

I'm happy you're all alive,

choosing to stay.


...  I love you guys

and I hope you all find a reason to smile every day.

insadnity insadnity proshchannya

Too much going on inside my head right now, cant bring myself to string any decent lines together....Sometimes a song can say it better than you can, right?

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend.

I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversation.

with the sidewalk and the pigeons, and my window reflection.

the mascot polish in the evening by the morning looks likes shit. 

And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss.

So many men stronger than me have thrown there backs out tryin' to lift it.

but me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split.

The love I sell you in the evening by the morning wont exist.

You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black

just keep going to the bathroom always say you'll be right back

well it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad.

But whats so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag.

I've got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train.

And if you promise to stay conscious, I will try and do the same.

We might die from medication but we sure killed all the pain.

But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this

the reasons all have run away but the feeling never did

its, not something I would recommend but it is one way to live.

whats so simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is"

Lua- Bright Eyes

Proshchannya

Heavy eyes

tired soul

packed my bags

ready to go.

heart is sunk

this was expected

 by God, the Devil's won

He never left my side.

I close my child eyes and I see my sisters face

just a teardrop falling from Gods eye

broken spine

unhinged mind

clock's running out of time

trapped under the world

chained inside violent thoughts

suffocation from an imploding chest

I'm not a star

never was

Come close so I can push you away

drive drunk and weep till judgement day

pray on bruised knees

 for a tree to come directly your way...

but 

we all know

The giving tree gave too much;

she wasn't really happy

Trying to think of words to write

But there's nothing poetic about redundancy

nothing beautiful about bloody flowers

no mystery inside a pair of motionless ribs

so I guess I'll finish by saying

Proshchannya Proshchannya 

It doesnt have to make sense at 1 am

We started the night playing "Sorry" in your room,

 and we ended it by trying to say it to our parents. 

Only problem was, we couldn't find our voices.

As kids we make dumb mistakes,

 some kiss bottles, some kiss babes...hell! majority of us have all lost 

track of our grades.. Impulse, desire, blame and pressure. I'm not sure 

I could feel any "lesser" because,

"kids aren't supposed to flirt with the devil"

and "kids aren't meant to ingest the sun"

But we do anyway.

Tick.

Everything was fine, Although I could see her fingertips projecting demonic sunshine.

Tick.

Her arms ached for Mom, and her neck had begun to shiver without its head..

 but now all that's left is her broken frame. crack. crease. stain.

-tickticktick-

Are you okay? You know you're looking a little bit gray...

I remember I couldn't respond..not with my mouth or my thought.

But I could..I could with the rhythm of my heart:

"help me.

help me.

help me.

help me."

deep sea green eyes turn to sidewalk chalk-TICK

needles stab veins like a cold February break up-TICK

Mother Earth caught you dancing in the rain-TICK

find a reason to hang on find a reason to-TICK

.

.

.

BREATHE. 

When the ticks went away, so did the pride.

And I never told you this, but your eyes were a lovely shade of brown.

.

.

.

people werent created to say goodbye.

Because, I look at you, I see all the ways that a soul can bruise, 

and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your 

spine ...so you know that there's nothing but light when I see you. 

Breathe..

Be happy.

Be happy.

I am happy.

Tick

thoughts all over the place

Alcohol in your veins 

burdens itching at my brain

stolen jewelry cant hold us together anymore

mom says life's never going to be the same. 

There's girls refusing food in America, 

and children being starved in Africa.

The world has become chaos' b*tch

cops bodies are being found in a ditch

"but really, who even gives a sh*t"?
.
.
.
I filled my ears with lighter fluid

in hopes I could come up with an idea

hot enough to create a spark

then just maybe I could rescue my mind out from this dark.

But I'm 17 years old mom, and truth be told

I know nothing of marriage or divorce.

I have grown weary from this game you call Therapy 

and I love you, but it looks like our time is up.


World wide news has etched a tangible worry into his head

trying to replace his heart with 3 parts anger to 2 parts alcohol.


Kids are being beaten, 

Teens are huffing glue

Husbands are watching porn 

making sure to leave their wives at the door.


Prozac, Effexor and Celexa 

Valium, Vodka and Zyprexa 

and 4 years worth of Lunesta.


The world's at war

She lived her childhood locked outside her parents door,

But day his dead body hit the floor?
.
.
.
I couldn't say that I knew you anymore.

I wonder what has happened to this world we live

I grew up thinking we all had so much to give

and 

I hate to admit

but

I feel i'm losing the will to forgive

                                  .

                                  .

                                  .

I have this vision I replay in my head

one where everyone that we hated was dead..

I never met you in that parking lot

and he was nothing but a mere signature on a goodbye document.

I know I cant change mine...But you can change yours.

So please come forward and leave that cowardliness at the door.

Stop waiting for god to give you a sign

I know you're just biding your time

and I guess....that's fine 

but its not going to be when you're shivering alone underneath the dirt.

It's almost become a countdown 

from when I was 5,

and who knows if you'll make it to 20.

115,

110,

107,

105,

99, 

Stop. 

Stop because I love you.

Stop because he loves you.

The world is at war, and so are we. 

The world is at war, and so is she.

so are you.. and I just wanted to tell you

That I love you. 

I love you.

I love you.

Cut those puppet strings and lets us 3 go be

 lonely together.