We held hands in the tattoo shop.

Everyone has their own at some point. 

Whether its a "Pumpkin" or a "Cutie-Pie" or a "Honey".

We've all had that one person that literally broke more than just your heart. 

they broke your entire existence...shattered your mind, and hid the tools to fix it.

In my case, I had a Claude Debussy. 

I refer to you as my Claude Debussy because I know you cant listen to him without thinking of that night either. And strangely enough that brings me comfort. 

I refer to you as my Claude Debussy because his music floods my troubled mind with our memories from the past. 

Like that time we decorated your room with glow lights while drinking coffee and coloring. 

Or the time we had our first kiss and right after, you just walked away (still confused about that)

All the countless times I have belly laughed at you because you face planted it.

When you timidly admitted that you can't get me off your mind any time you're drunk.
I wish you wouldn't drink..

And all those relentless tickle fights.

I miss those memories. They absolutely crush my chest. 

I fear those memories. There's so many years of pain in them.

I fear you because I shouldn't miss you. 

But hell, I do. I always do.

 The fear lies in the fact that you have no control over your feelings for another beating heart. 

I wish I could erase our memories of each other and start over.

I wish you weren't so moronic sometimes. 

I wish I could stop loving you. 

who knows, maybe I don't. 

All I know is that anytime I'm around you I forget myself and only care about you. 

Whatever you're corrupted black heart desired, I would do it. 

You make me laugh, You make me smile. You understand me. You don't make me feel like an outcast.

that scares me shitless.

Because you hurt me. You hurt me to the point where I will never be the same. No matter how hard I try,  I will never go back to the person I was before I met you. You used me, literally objectified me. You turned out the light inside my mind, and abandoned me in my newfound darkness. I shouldn't be talking to you again. 

I shouldn't be talking to you again.

Claude Debussy=Trouble.

I've always been attracted to trouble.

how to??????

How to: Cope with that crush you'll never be able to get

1. Come to terms with accepting the fact that you like this person so much and they probably will never like you back. Stupidly decide to test the waters anyway.
2. Try talking to them for awhile, but get no hint of interest back. AS EXPECTED.
3. debate what the reason is (you're either a pathetic loser, or he's shy. I have my money on pathetic loser.)
4. Give up.
5. Be sad for an appropriate amount of time and--No. I don't want to talk about this.





AH-HEM. Lets try a new one. 

 How to: Get out of your comfort zone

1. Make a detailed list of things that you normally are uncomfortable with. 

2. organize them from least intimidating, to most.

3. Challenge yourself to try--No. I don't want to talk about this either.

How to: Deal with your Insomnia

1. ...................................................................................................................

How to: Forgive your dog for stealing food from your hand

1. Make sure the environment is calm, and give yourself time to collect your thoughts.

2. Understand that your dog does not have the brain capacity to understand that stealing is wrong.

3.  This topic will be stupid to everyone but me. I'm picking a new one damn it.

How to: Stop hating yourself

1. Look in the mirror and take what you think about yourself..shove it out of your head.

2. Convince yourself that you don't hate yourself or anything about yourself for about 26 seconds.

3. Feel sad against your will.

4. Go to the gym to feel better.

5. Feel better for 2 hours tops.

6. Come home and hate yourself some more.

This sucks and its too depressing. I'm not finishing it. 

HOW TO: WRITE A GOOD BLOG POST

I CANT. AND I HATE THAT I CANT.

-I was hit with cupids bow and I cant come to terms that we will never happen. 

-I literally suck at coming out of my comfort zone. I'm terrible at it. I've tried.

-I have yet to find a cure for my relentless insomnia. if you have any advice let me know. ill be here round the clock, folks.

-I still haven't forgiven my dog for stealing that last bite of sandwich out of my hand. it was the only thing I'd had to eat all day and it tasted like heavenly father.

-I haven't stopped hating myself since I was 13 years old. I have tried countless times, but each time I fail even more miserably than the first. 

-I cant seem to write "good" blog posts. I feel like I don't compare to anyone on here. I am not good enough.  And that bothers me more than it should, yet its just another thing that worsens my self esteem.

I cant write a "how to" if I'm still figuring my ish out. 

.

.

.

It doesn't matter though. This post is going to go unseen right?

My overdue dose of happiness

   You know that one feeling? that one where you're heart begins to flutter and your stomach feels 

like you're being punched in the gut...but for some odd reason you relish in that punched gut feeling? 

Where you (for just a moment) truly believe that you COULD float away? 

But you know you are chained to that 15 minute drive back home to hell, and you don't give a 

damn because you are just that happy? yeah...that was me today. 

Today I am happy.

I tasted happiness today, and it confused me on why I decided to spit it out those three years ago.

No. Not this time. This time, Im never letting it go.  I can't afford it.

It tastes too sweet. And I missed it. I missed it so much.

I suppose I have the heavens to thank for that. 

My chest is so light, My mind is so empty it almost feels foreign to me. I'm thinking about 

everything 

.

.

.

and nothing. all at once. And I love it. 

It's great to have this side of you back, Flat Stanley. You're daily dose of happiness was long overdue.