3/27/15. 3-27-15.

Losing you has been just as hard as any of the other people I've lost in my life.

and, life has been real crummy for me lately..so losing you especially right now 

has made it ten times harder.

A dog, is truly mans best friend..and you were mine. 

Going to be pretty lonely going on canyon drives by myself now..

gonna miss your giant body laying on top of me trying to cuddle

 definitely going to miss that playful (terrifyingly deep) growl

those giant paws

that abnormally large nose (with a gray speckle on it)

and so...so much more.

you were the sweetest

and anyone who knew you would agree

that

You were so much more than just a dog.

I love you Indie boo

Go get those birds in heaven for me.

TiredEyesTiredMindTiredHeartTiredMicah

Couldn't sleep

So I went for a walk,

Underneath the stars.

They never seem to cast enough light

Couldn't sleep tonight.

So I ran away from 2 am through 6

I like doing this, because I always get scared out there, walking all alone.

I'm happy I get scared, it reminds me that I still want to live.

I still want to breathe

Taste the air and hug the sun

And when I go home, I always drift away a little easier.

But not tonight.

I kept thinking of how you're not him, and him belongs to she
and he hasn't seen me in 4 now, not 3..and brown eyes,
rotten memories that trick my lips into a smile
and I wish you would get out of my head
so I'd feel just a little less dead.....please.


Let me sleep.



I guess there are just some heartaches that a walk cant fix.


Cant sleep.

Cause.. I'm just real sad.

Stubborn heads refuse to listen

and hunger pains rattle up spinal cords

kinda like the way that that funeral music knocks at your door

 and

because no wall, ceiling or locked door can protect us or you
from those horrible angry lungs

or the anticipation of that droopy, weak heart finally hitting the floor.


But I really wish...

No.


We were fools to think we were fine, and that
rainbows are not equally as temporary as storm clouds are.



I just want to sleep.


Because I've grown tired of pretending I'm awake.

and, I admit I really do miss the way a smile can warm up
a cold face.

Reminiscing

When I was in the fourth grade, the School boundary changed, and I was forced to switch

from Highland Elementary, to Westfield. My best friend Emma Egan and I were pretty upset about it.

 

In the fifth grade, I caught my teacher Mrs.Humble looking at Victoria's Secret lingerie online. it didn't click until I was older that around that time she had also recently been engaged..........oolala.

 

In the sixth grade I had the worlds most awful teacher, and through his atrociousness, I gained

some classmates whom I am still friends with to this day. Seriously, this teacher was awful. He

got fired at the end of the year. I could write a novel on this guy. 

 

Seventh grade I had a crush on Chantz Cook, but he didn't even know I existed.

My best friend Tiffany Hurwitz was going out with Keaton Zaragoza. I know you will all

remember him if you went to Timberline.

 

Eighth grade, I broke 100 pounds and got my braces off. People started talking to me.

I started doing worse in school, I got my first (Rape) kiss from Bowman Daley

in front of everyone at Jake Richeys house. Later that summer, Chantz Cook kissed me.

 

You can imagine my excitement.

 

Ninth Grade, I got suspended from school with Ethan Bradshaw for "vandalizing" the

island lockers. I broke the school record in the long jump, and went to 7 funerals in 6 months.

 

That year sucked for me.

 

Tenth grade, I did lots of bad things. I made lots of bad choices that still haunt me to this day.

I was very depressed and sad most of the time, failed some classes, but did some illegal things that

now make for some funny stories.

 

Eleventh Grade I spent majority of that year trying to fit into a group that I sure as hell did

not fit in with. I spent my weekends with rooms full of people, yet never feeling more alone.

did better in school, got my patriarchal blessing, but by the end of the year, I was making bad choices again.

 

Senior year.

 

-I found the friends I fit in with

-I'm happy for the most part

-he switched schools (hallelujah)

-My grades are pure comedy

-I smile more

-laugh more

 -made stupid choices

-Achieved the record for most absences at LP

-Went to the ER 

-Got offers in California for my makeup career

-Finally content with who I am

-Witnessing the beginning stages of my parents inevitable divorce

-lost my house, lost more loved ones

than I should have.

 

 

looking back on this makes me nostalgic and sad and happy and grateful and all of the above.

 

 I'm happy I got to grow up with all of you.

and I am grateful that you are all apart of my memories, and that I

got to be apart of yours.

 

 

I graduate in 10.428 weeks

 

I graduate in 73 days

 

We graduate in 1,752 hours

 

We start our lives in 105,120 minutes

 

6,307,200 seconds

 

I'm glad we choose to stay

 

ZOM-BAE

Felt inspired by Nelsons past 

performance of the Zombie poem.

Smile because God might be taking a picture

In the midst of all this sadness

I've kept a journal and wrote down short sentences throughout the week
on big and/or little things that personally make me happy,
and assembled it into a post, for your reading pleasures.

Distraction always has been my cure for sad times. This worked quite well.
But its really cheesy, so

shutup

                            Feb 26th, 2015

I'm so happy that whoever is reading this (you) is alive.

and I'm not just saying that to say it.

I genuinely am happy that you are here...breathing, thinking, feeling..

 Whatever it may be, I'm stoked the Earth is your stomping grounds.

                                 March 1st, 2015

I smile at the friends I've made this year.

finally not ones that care about "popularity" or "drugs"
or those who base how "cool" you are on the 1-10 "Hot Scale"
But ones that actually like me, and accept me.
Sucks it took me until senior year to find them. But at least I did right?

                               Feb 27th, 2015

I'm grateful to have a home, that the sky is blue
I'm real happy that I can spit my gum into the trash from really far away. 
-like really far. I'm not kidding, its like from really really far away.-
Happy That the canyon is so close
And that the music is closer
I love how cold the air is in the morning
Stoked I know how to make apple pie from scratch, 
And that I still haven't found anyone that can beat me in Super Smash Bros. (other than my brother Landon.)

               March 2nd, 2015

I'm happy I met you, even though at times I wish I never did
happy I grew up in the family I did, even if they know how to raise hell
I'm happy I've gone through all I have, because now I can relate to others and help them

and that makes me pretty happy.

SO excited this divorce will probably happen
thrilled you're having another baby girl
and relieved that you're finally doing well.

                    March 1st, 2015

Still giddy about the fact we started talking in Rios' class this year
and that I decided to give you that rose,
Pumped you asked me on a date.
Happy we kissed
Happy that you're happy that we kissed, too

                  Feb 26th, 2015

I smile because my heart hasn't stopped beating
and laugh at the fact that my lungs haven't given out
I thank god that I know what it feels like to be all alone
to just breathe on my own

                          Feb 28th, 2015

I love the fact that we help create other peoples lives
a small fragment in a sea of experiences
a sentence in a book of memories.
it makes me happy to know that you're all apart of me and I'm apart of you.

                      March 3rd, 2015

My brothers make me happy

My dogs are so cute that I want to kill them

I miss everyone that we've lost,

but Im happy that they're happy with God.

I'm happy.

                     March 3rd, 2015

-5:00 p.m.-

 pissed AF that the line at IHOP is so long

-7:00 p.m.-

I dont think im going to get my pancakes

-9:00 p.m.-

I didnt get my pancakes so im going to Dennys

-11:45 p.m.-

I got my pancakes but I slipped on ice and fell on my face

I don't know.

I'm just happy to be me

happy to be alive

I'm happy you're all alive,

choosing to stay.


...  I love you guys

and I hope you all find a reason to smile every day.