its only strategically placed bricks

18 years ago they built you up

Brick by brick until you were done. 

I  met you just as I was born, 

you are the place where all my memories are stored. 

You gave me hiding places for hide and go seek. 

you gave me swing sets that for some reason always had too many bees.

you hold the memories of my very first steps, 

and also the memories of my relentless stress.

I remember when I broke your window, because I was determined to kill a spider on the other side. 

I remember dancing in the TV room with my siblings to Christmas music with you.

I remember sliding down your stairs on my belly in my footie pajamas with my brothers.

I remember when the cops broke down your door, because they needed to "do their jobs".

I know exactly where my 5 year old drawings on your walls are (still haven't told mom)

and although its faint, and the pencil is smudged, I can still make out those misspelled words. 

I cant help but smile every time I read it.

In the back, you hold my dog.  He died exactly one week after my 6th New Years.

We banged our pots and pans on the snowy porch and lit off fire works, watching him bound through the snow.  Please keep him safe near that tree.

I still hesitate to go into our basement. It's unfinished, and my small self still warns me about the monsters that lurk down there. 

You hold the broken up notes of all our failed instruments. 

You hold the 3 am memories of me sneaking through the front window. 

By the way, thanks for never creaking...Not. 

You know all my deepest secrets, and you have been there through all my laughs and tears. 

you were built, and you built me. 

It's time for me to go. I'll take my memories with me. 

I'm keeping them close to my heart, because if I'm being honest, that's all I have left anymore. 

Memories. 

Its only strategically placed bricks. 

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I'm going to miss those bricks.

Yes, Madam Conscience

"Put up another brick, your wall isn't high enough, Sweetie"


"Yes, Madam Conscience."






She is my mentor...With me every step of the way. she is the one who whispers in my ear.


She is my Madam Conscience.


Madam used to be so different, she used to laugh with me, tell me the sweetest things your ears could ever hear.


She loved every inch of me, and never doubted who I was.


Madam Conscience told me I could be ANYTHING.


She never let life get me down, even when I had every reason in the world to cry.



I loved her.



But Madam got older, and it pains me to report, that her mind has started to slip away from her.


She's become angry, and bitter.


Madam was always very good at holding her tongue, but the old hag has had enough I suppose.


I dont know her too well anymore, I'm too nervous to approach her. She hasn't been the same since she got sick.


Most of the time she lashes out, mainly at me. It's quite hard, seeing as we used to be pals.


But Madam has turned into a monster, and I don't know what to do anymore..


I know she doesn't mean what she says...but it still hurts sometimes.


"No, not that shirt hun, can't you see it makes you look rather..fat? stick to your oversized shirts, They look better on you darling!"


"Oh, there's no way you can go to THAT college sweetheart..You need to be honest with yourself sometimes."


"Let me stop you right there sugar, that boy will NEVER be interested in you, you hear? That boy needs a lady who is actually worth something!"


When I lay down to fall asleep is usually when her episodes become increasingly aggressive.


I'm trying to take care of it, but she refuses to take medicine, because she says she doesn't want to end up like her mother.


I understand, Madam Conscience.


I miss the old you, and I am sorry that life had to happen to us. I didn't know it would corrupt you this way.

I just want you to know that even though you treat me differently, I still love you. I still have our memories of when we were kids.

Goodnight, Madam Conscience.

It's time for me to try and get some shut eye. I'll hear from you in the morning, I always do.

Take caution while dating

I just really wanted to share this with you all.

Love is for shmucks

            "Happy Birthday, I'm breaking up with you." is what you very well could have said. 

As harsh as that is, still would have hurt less if done that way. 

No, instead..ill take you on a hike. Lets carve our names into the trees and talk about how much you mean to me. Ill buy you flowers and write a sweet note. We'll stargaze in a park and laugh about stupid memories. Maybe go for a drive...Then, THEN I'll leave you. I'll leave you alone in your driveway, with only your own two arms to comfort you and your tear streaked face.

But I hope you'll understand. 

I know I did those things to you, but I'm going to drop in once in awhile if you don't mind. Hey now, don't you worry darling, ill keep you on your toes. I may go four days, or maybe ten days before I decide I want to see you again. That's okay though, right?
Good.

It's time for me to leave now.

Just want to see you one last time if that's alright, we can watch the thunderstorms together and talk. And maybe during that time, I can turn to you and convincingly tell you that  "I love you" for the first time. You'll get butterflies in your stomach and tell me you love me too. Isn't that cute?

But hey, get ready because I'm going to take back that I love you in three days time, okay?

Don't feel sad though, it's not that I don't love you. I just love you as a friend is all I meant. I think this is causing tension though, so I'm going to break contact with you alright? Don't take it personally. I know that in a week or two you'll come around again. You always do, babe.

I'm visiting this weekend, but I don't want to see you. 

If you ask why, I'm going to get defensive. I just would rather spend time with my friends. On second thought though, my friends are going to be busy for the first day, and I'll have nothing better to do...may as well call you. Don't be offended beautiful..even though you're my last option it doesn't mean I care about you any less. 

And after those few months..here we are.

 Dear me, 

love is a very dangerous weapon, that should not be used by amateurs.

If you play with fire you're going to get burnt. Why can't you learn this lesson? you have been through it too many times before. Get your shit together Flat Stanley, you're acting pathetic. 

Paying Respect for March 11th, 2012

2:32 p.m.

"what are you doing right now?" 

"just in my room, why?"

"well, go grab your brother and get in the car. we're at the Orem hospital."

"....What happened?"

"Nothing everything is fine we just need you guys down here. Now."

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"Dad just called, we need to go to the hospital in orem right now." 

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He met us out front of the hospital on a cool sunday in March. His face was serious, but then again that's how it always was growing up with dad. My brother and I got out of the car. No one spoke. No hugs were exchanged either. That was fine though. I already knew what had happened. 

"is he alright?" I asked. 

"Yes, just resting." My dad replied. 

I'll never forget how narrow and dark those hospital halls felt. My quiet suffocation intensified with each trembling step I took.  We neared the entrance of the door.  Dad walks in, while I hesitate. I close my eyes and breathe in. 

Turn the corner. 

Dad didn't lie, you were "resting". He just forgot to mention that you aren't going to wake up. 

The rest of the family was already there, sitting off to the side, silence piercing the room.  I didn't believe it, this cant be real. My eyes became hot with tears, but I didn't let it show for long. 

I walked over to you and knelt down. Your eyes were closed but your mouth was open. I remember staring at your chest, convincing myself it was ever so slightly raising up..and down. But it wasn't. I leaned over the hospital bed, and hugged you for the last time. 

It made me nauseous feeling your cold hands.  Cold hands that would never be warm again. It's been 2 1/2 years since i've seen your smiling face. 

or heard your booming laugh...or watched you grab your wife's bum and sing "I got the whole world in my hands." 

I miss you every day. 

And I want to thank you for being an irreplaceable father figure in my life. Thank you for stepping in to officially bring me into the church because my dad lost the power to all those years ago. Thank you for teaching me so many life lessons. And thank you for showing me what a marriage should actually be like. 

Meat coated skeletons are humans

Being alive is terrifying. You actually have to do things.

firstly, graduating in itself is hard. I mean, at least for me because education and I hate each other.

Raising your ACT score? I'd rather not.

COLLEGE. If college doesn't raise your heart rate and make you panic, you're a dirty liar.

Dating? I have no words. Except for maybe "Please stop fondling my elbow good sir, that is not a turn on."

Finding a decent job? no. J-dawgs, you were the best I was gonna get..I applied to you 3 times and you rejected me. Screw you.

Waking up in general. Props to everyone who actually makes it to school on time. I salute you.

Being alive is terrifying. You actually have to do things. I suck at doing things.

You want to be a human?

You have to do more than survive. 

Do more than just go through the motions. 

LIVE.

This whole college thing is actually exciting.

My dear and fellow humans. We are just getting started.  

Take a deep breath, and godspeed to you all. I love you.

What my eyes have seen

All of what follows is true:

I have been breathing for 17 years, 1 month, and 28 days. 

I have seen the ocean, layed under the stars, hiked up mountains, and listened to guitars. 

I have watched someone die in the street, being so stunned that I was unable to move from my seat.

I have never seen a baby be born, but I have been watching one grow up to become the magical little age of four. 

I have been a little girl who lost her mommy for 4 1/2 years, but I grew up being being taught it was wrong to show your tears. I have been woken up at 3:00 am to endless drunken fighting, where to find my dad the next few days? there were never any sightings. 

I've taken my body on roller coasters, road trips, airplanes, and boats, and one time my friends and I even stole a baby goat. I've been caught sneaking out on more than one occasion, each time being put on my own personal probation. 

I was forced to say goodbye to my sister at such a young age, watching you struggle with drugs tore apart my ribcage. 10 years ago the heroin snatched you up, but i'll never let anyone know that sometimes my eyes still tear up. 

My mind still wanders to those long years I was without a mother, and out of the depths of her depression I don't think she'll ever recover. I miss watching Little Bear with you, while you'd tickle my back and tell me "I love you too".

I've sat outside in a thunderstorm let the cold rain sprinkle my face. Its in those short moments I can truly find my "happy place".  I've smiled for pictures, and danced in cars. I've been joking around and taken it "too far".

I've told someone I love them only twice before, the first time I did I received nothing but my face staring at the closed door.

I have choked on fruity pebbles, war heads, and my own spit. And one time when I was barefoot I stepped in some dog shit.

I have been lonely, I have been sad, i've cried too much because I HATE my dad. I have been happy, and I have been carefree, and this last year I realized that I hate therapy. 

Sometimes I feel like my life is cursed, but I know theres people out there with it plenty worse. So I'll continue to fight for happiness, until I don't have to fight anymore. 

I've decided to live. I'm curious for whats in store. 

If I could speak to my childhood

IF I COULD SPEAK TO MY CHILDHOOD

     When I think of my childhood I think of waking up on a Saturday morning, running down the stairs and turning on the Nintendo to play Mario Party.

I think about the smell of crayons and running through the streets with your "neighborhood posse" because that's what we called ourselves.

I think about waking up on Christmas mornings, when it had freshly snowed and dying to run downstairs to see what Santa had brought. The only problem was, my siblings and I all had to wait for hours until my parents finally got their butts out of bed.

I think about how many T.V. shows I watched, whether its "The Proud Family", "Bear in the big blue house", "Rolley polley olley", "Full House", or "The fresh prince." I didn't realize it, but T.V. was such a big part of my childhood.

I remember always trying to grow up too fast, being the youngest was hard. I was constantly left out of everything and if I was doing something "childish" I was made fun of. I remember if I ever wanted to do something that kids did, I would have to hide it. Siblings rock.

I think about how much I was outside with my friends, riding bikes and exploring our foresty-ravine. I miss door bell ditching when the sun went down, and playing "add-on" on our friends trampolines.

I miss getting hand delivered birthday party invitations for your friends parties, and knowing that you HAD to get your friend the best gift, or else it wouldn't mean anything. 

If I could speak to my childhood right now I would tell it to stall as long as it could. I would tell my childhood that you may not realize it right now, but this is the best time of your life and you will never be able to get your innocence back no matter how hard you try.

I would tell my childhood to prepare itself because the world from here on out gets a hell of a lot harder in every aspect. I would tell my childhood to be ready for guilt, sadness, heartbreak, stress, immense confusion, and loss. 

Lastly, I would tell my childhood not to be entirely scared to grow up. although it stings, its still fun. 

I miss you, childhood.