I thought my room was a safe haven

I cant wake up from this nightmare I'm living

I thought her kisses were innocent

Her touch only loving.

And now my limbs are bleeding

But its less painful than this feeling 

I have inside my head. 

The 5 year old in my mind is lost and directionless

Empty.

I am so empty. 

And these work bathrooms are not a good place to 

cry, but its better than telling someone 

why Id kill to say goodbye. 

You must be very brave though..

I keep wondering what would have happened

if I had woken up 

would I have been saved?

.

.

.

It snowed Christmas morning

And you all exchanged gifts,

Opened presents, and showed your love

Oh how I wish that was my case.

But all I have received since Christmas day

Are memories I found out I wasn't even awake for. 

And how horrifying it is to try and conjure

Up these visions against my will. 

Sleep evades me. 

my compass a constant spin..

Denial has run away with my voice box

While betrayal has a cold pistol pressed 

against my brain. 

Just a child

Stripped of innocence without even knowing it

I beg of you to please pull the plug for me

It's been draining me with each passing day.

And mommy, I don't want to scare you

But I can feel my skin turning cold

My mind is wasting away

And this freshly old news is slicing my eyes

to the point where all I see left in this world

Is red.

And the worst part is 

I've been afraid to go to bed

And you aren't even here.

Finale revised

I think I missed the rush for all the reveals, and now no one will see who I am.


oh well.

In the beginning of this year, I asked Nelson if my pen name could be "Sexual Fetus".

I was declined. 

 I'm glad I chose my name to be Flat Stanley because (as cheesy as it sounds) 

It's become part of who I am.  Thank the lord "Sexual Fetus" didn't become part of me.

Creative writing is the most valuable thing I think I'll ever get out of high school.

I have always hid who I am, in fear of rejection. 

Nelson, you showed me that it is perfectly okay to be weird.

because I'm going to die one day anyways, right?

 9:15-10:39

saved my life.  Thank you Kyle.

Thanks for influencing me more than any other person I have come in contact with Kyle,

and putting me in the top 5..that was friggen sweet. 

Thank you to: Polly Baker, Jane Q. porter, Charolette Rose, James C. Mckay, Elizabeth Grant,

Sgt. Pepper, Alice S. Blackwell, Leroy, and anyone else I forgot. 

You guys always stuck around to read my mediocre posts, and always left comments

that made my day. Thank you. 

I am 5'4" with a 6'0" personality. 

I pierced my belly button at a tattoo shop and my parents still don't know (shhhh) 

My green eyes are a little too big for my face.

My hair closely resembles that of a winter storm (Silver....) I want to take this time to

thank Cornelia Boom for posting "the year of no mistakes" on twitter, when I was deciding

whether or not to dye it silver. thanks Cornelia. 

And shoutout to James C. Mckay for piercing my ear in a starbucks parking lot the other day.

I could sit here and tell you all about how I love laughing, and how my 

favorite food is Thai. I could tell you that I am scared of picking up chickens, 

and I get nauseated when people touch my knees. I could tell you all about that time 

I jumped off a bridge naked, or how the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack makes me cry.

I could tell you how I fell in love, and unfortunately have been permanently messed up from it.

I could tell you about these scars.

I could even go on for hours on end about how much I love special effects makeup,

And how it has literally saved my life. I could tell you about how it helps me

to escape from being "Micah Mehlhoff" for awhile. Because I didn't like being me.

But I wont bore you.

.

.

.

I have good news that I will tell you guys about though..

I finally love myself. 

Thanks Guys.




Sincerely, Flat Stanley.

its interesting to you because it came from my heart?

Dear Nelson, 
         

                        I'm sorry for mostly only writing sad things on my blog. 

                     I know we're supposed to  have both sides, but I only get inspiration when I'm down.

And I don't know if that makes me a crappy writer, or a limited one. 

But either way, I'm sorry I lack versatility. 

Dear mountain boy,  

You better keep going to bed before I eat my dinner. 

 You better keep guarding your music like its your life source. 

You better move on from last year.

Because everyone says you're a lot more closed off than you used to be..

But I don't judge you because hey, I'm sitting in the same boat with you. 

I admire when people are closed off. It makes me feel less alone.

but

You keep doing you, because you deserve to have an angel inside your arms, and not a demon.

One that will love you for exactly the outstanding person you are. 

Dear dad, 

You are not my father. 

You are not her spouse. 

You decided to dig your way out of our hearts from the beginning, 

so don't expect to crawl back through the hole you made in us

.

.

 when you're on your death bed. 

Because i'm going to tell you right now, that this hole will be gone.

stitched up. closed off.  Forever. 

and I refuse to let a filthy corpse decay inside my heart. 

So I'll be on my way, you've got bottles and lung exercises that need tending to.

Dear Snake, 

I hope you're satisfied. 

because you have the power to create bruises that can never heal.

and I hope god does not have mercy on your soul,

because he is the only one who knows what you did.

he may be the only one to ever know, but I guess thats good enough for me. 

and I cant wait until you are just a faded memory on my skin. 

Dear God, 

I'm sorry. 

you asked me about the sun

It comes suddenly, with a swift step that only your mothers intuition could hear,

Embedding itself inside your thinning bones.


You remember. 

You remember. 

It's glamorized cloak envelops your core, and whispers its version of "sweet nothings" into your ears.

Your mind has shattered, and your fingers shed tears as they try to put humpty together again.

The precious colorful juices ooze from your broken brain, and the world you live in fades to that all familiar gray.

I remember.

I remember.

I remember staring at the world, convinced that nothing was real.

I can vividly recall the feeling,

like  I had been cut out of one of the pages in a picture book,

 only to be  re-stuck with Elmer's glue. 

I remember that day.

I remember walking down that hallway and turning the corner,

you wore a necklace made from rope.

And the silent sway enhanced my surrounding gray,

as I choked on my saltwater tears all that day.

and ill never forget the way the loneliness caressed your ear with its tongue.

"It's only a dream" I say. Its time to get up and start my day.

.

.

.

you've all got blindfolds made from daisies covering your eyes,

And I hate to be a burden, but I seem to have lost mine. 

the sun has fried my eyes, mostly with baby blue goodbyes, and chocolate coated lies.

But I still find the time to offer out my dry cracked palms, 

I've found my wrists sting less when I try to defuse everyone else's ticking time bombs.

Daddy.

Daddy's are supposed to be superheros.

They aren't supposed to call you "worthless" or "weak"

Daddy's are supposed to make you feel infinite..

I invite you inside this child's mind, she said you may take a peek.

He isn't supposed to make you believe you're sick when you aren't

or stir your brains up right from the very start.

.

.

.

But nonetheless, he screams his lungs into the living room air,

provoking the hot tears that peer over her red rimmed eyes

and making her insecure...even about the size of her thighs. 

Mommy tries to help

she wants to protect her,

but we all know that an injured bird cannot take flight.

It's okay mommy, she can handle this. 

Please stop crying, it's not your fault. It never was.

And how heavy a child's heart must feel

when "pop's" makes a deal

to go separate ways.

They wont ever speak,

and she knows you're counting on this becoming a forever streak.

And does daddy know, that as she lays down to sleep tonight

she debates swaying the white flag, and surrendering to this endless fight?

                                                                       As his booming words rattle his child's hollow rib-cage...

she feels her heart beat descend into a rare occurrence. 

one deep breath

two deep breaths

three deep breaths

I didn't turn out like you wanted me too.

None of us did. 

yet I seem to be the only punished kid.

and I know I'm right, I can see the truth reflecting in my mothers sunken eyes.

She doesn't deny it..

So why daddy? why?

I know you don't like questions, but I'm asking anyway. I've waited 17 years for a damn answer.

You feel yourself spiraling downward, yet you're still standing on the kitchen tile.

I think I'll go to sleep for awhile.

Flat Stanley=Tin man

I have theories about myself.

my best one so far is.....

"if I only had a heart"


^^^ preach it,Tin-man.

If I'm being honest, 

sometimes I do wish I could find a wizard who could grant me a brand new, shiny heart.

One that I could start over with...

But hell, you and I both know it don't work that way. 

instead, the heart that you're given from God

.

.

.

you're stuck with.

from the time your lungs take their very first breath, to the time your loved ones

wave goodbye at your precious purchased soil.

There are no start overs.

Sometimes I want to hang up that white sheet, 

gather my particularly select audience

unlock my sunken rib cage 

and let my hearts movie reel play.

.

.

.

That way I wouldn't have to speak...anytime I do, I usually end up cutting my throat

open with the double edged memories that fester inside my head.

And sometimes, I wish that these hollow, empty, repetitive beats

would vanish. if only for a while. 

I've lost most of my heart anyways.

One for when dad decided he liked those bottles better than his family.

One for when Mom dipped out for a few years.

one for when sister introduced our family to her boyfriend, Mr.Needle

And one great big chunk for you. For all those dark things

that were said and done to me, that chunk is awarded to you.

if the Tin man survived, so can I. 

I misplaced my brain last night.

        This morning, I chose to eat cheerios. I wanted to see if it could make me "be happy, be healthy"

It didn't work.

This morning, I tried to wear my heart on my sleeve, but when I pulled it out of my chest it was just a big pile of hamburger meat.

This morning, when I stepped outside my front door, I inhaled the cold air deep into my weak lungs.

I told my feet to go, we had a class to make it to on time.

Little shits never listen to me.

This morning when I woke up, I looked in the mirror and saw emptiness.

I looked in that mirror and I didn't see myself. But then again, I cant recall if I ever have.

I layed in bed, staring at my plain white ceiling with the alarm blaring for a whole hour today. I guess I may have found comfort in the repetitiveness of the beeps.

either that, or I truly have lost my mind.

When I was little, I thought I could control the weather. I'd stand in the middle of my backyard, hold my tiny arms out and tell the wind to "Stop."

I know it was coincidence, but man..it really stopped every. single. time.

The hard realization is that I don't control the weather anymore. It controls me.


same with fear. 

paranoia. 

over thinking.

My father.

..you.

This morning I woke up and realized that I don't give a damn about anything anymore.

I have yet to decide if that's a positive or a negative thing.



And this morning, I decided not to put real honey on my cheerios. 

The Forest Dictators

Let's just you and I decide

to dictate the forest together. 

We, the couple lovers who never recovered

will plunge into the nature that we deemed ours,

and maybe trade our hearts for a day or two. 

You can start the fire while I cut the phone wires

and we will let the stars in the blackened sky crystalize our eyes.

You're my rebel without a cause

The reason I heave through corrupted lungs

 and the antidote for when I've had it up to here with you.

Lets go into the woods

put up our hoods

and shoot our teen rebellion into a middle finger 

lighting up the world around us with the sparks inside our black hearts.

I know I don't make sense but neither do you, I think we should kiss?

Lead me through the dark woods of your mind

and in turn, ill take you to the memories of my grand canyoned wrists.

You didnt know you had the power of erosion, did you?

And I know we both feel it. And I know its real.

But for now lets just cuddle on the tarp,

and let the stories behind the constellations fill our ears.

But my darling, your brown eyes are slipping away 

and your limbs begin to twitch as you descend farther

into your dream filled escape. I'll be here in the morning for you.

Will you?

By the roundabout church we sat and mourned.

I'll miss you more than you would have guessed,

damn you death. why not take me instead?

He was just having a hard time, and you selfishly decided it would be fun to cloud his mind.

I, don't know what to say. I'm at a loss of words..praying to God..

that no more deaths occur.

Please, Oh Lord my God. If there is a God, take care of him for me.

Take care of all those I love up there,

because I am so helpless, and all I have now is a blank stare.

Death, why do you have to take so many? I wonder what his last thoughts were

 before he put that rope  around his neck...or if he even had any.

Your smile was contagious, your hair was amazing.

Personality? Crazy.

I looked forward to seeing you every day, I always knew you'd have something funny to say.

 And now that your gone, our friendship is on pause, until I get up to those pearly white gates. 

I cant wait till that day I am reunited with you all,

but until then ill be anxiously awaiting Death's call.

I've reached my limit, I miss you all more than any words can say.

 I'm wishing that soon Death will come for me, wanting to play.

I'll have to add another name to the "Deaths of loved ones" on my wall.

 Number 18 goes out to you,

Hunter Dahl.


November 2nd, 2014.

Rest in Peace Hunter.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 2ND 2014.

Our blog posts theme this week is death. 

This morning at 8:00 am you took your last breath. 

I don't know what to do with myself, my heart feels broken.

I don't have enough hands to count the loved ones I have lost, and now having to add you to this bunch is something I don't want to do. It makes me sick knowing that only a few days ago we were talking and laughing with each other. And now I'll never see your smiling face in these halls again.

I cant think, my mind is such a mess. I cant lose any more people. This is my limit. I cant sit through another funeral. Its too hard...I want to pay tribute to you my sweet friend. I want you to know that you were loved. You were my friend. You will be missed my anyone who had the privilege to speak to you. 

God. Why does this have to happen. I'm so sick of losing people. 

Rest in peace Hunter Dahl. We will all miss you.

We held hands in the tattoo shop.

Everyone has their own at some point. 

Whether its a "Pumpkin" or a "Cutie-Pie" or a "Honey".

We've all had that one person that literally broke more than just your heart. 

they broke your entire existence...shattered your mind, and hid the tools to fix it.

In my case, I had a Claude Debussy. 

I refer to you as my Claude Debussy because I know you cant listen to him without thinking of that night either. And strangely enough that brings me comfort. 

I refer to you as my Claude Debussy because his music floods my troubled mind with our memories from the past. 

Like that time we decorated your room with glow lights while drinking coffee and coloring. 

Or the time we had our first kiss and right after, you just walked away (still confused about that)

All the countless times I have belly laughed at you because you face planted it.

When you timidly admitted that you can't get me off your mind any time you're drunk.
I wish you wouldn't drink..

And all those relentless tickle fights.

I miss those memories. They absolutely crush my chest. 

I fear those memories. There's so many years of pain in them.

I fear you because I shouldn't miss you. 

But hell, I do. I always do.

 The fear lies in the fact that you have no control over your feelings for another beating heart. 

I wish I could erase our memories of each other and start over.

I wish you weren't so moronic sometimes. 

I wish I could stop loving you. 

who knows, maybe I don't. 

All I know is that anytime I'm around you I forget myself and only care about you. 

Whatever you're corrupted black heart desired, I would do it. 

You make me laugh, You make me smile. You understand me. You don't make me feel like an outcast.

that scares me shitless.

Because you hurt me. You hurt me to the point where I will never be the same. No matter how hard I try,  I will never go back to the person I was before I met you. You used me, literally objectified me. You turned out the light inside my mind, and abandoned me in my newfound darkness. I shouldn't be talking to you again. 

I shouldn't be talking to you again.

Claude Debussy=Trouble.

I've always been attracted to trouble.

how to??????

How to: Cope with that crush you'll never be able to get

1. Come to terms with accepting the fact that you like this person so much and they probably will never like you back. Stupidly decide to test the waters anyway.
2. Try talking to them for awhile, but get no hint of interest back. AS EXPECTED.
3. debate what the reason is (you're either a pathetic loser, or he's shy. I have my money on pathetic loser.)
4. Give up.
5. Be sad for an appropriate amount of time and--No. I don't want to talk about this.





AH-HEM. Lets try a new one. 

 How to: Get out of your comfort zone

1. Make a detailed list of things that you normally are uncomfortable with. 

2. organize them from least intimidating, to most.

3. Challenge yourself to try--No. I don't want to talk about this either.

How to: Deal with your Insomnia

1. ...................................................................................................................

How to: Forgive your dog for stealing food from your hand

1. Make sure the environment is calm, and give yourself time to collect your thoughts.

2. Understand that your dog does not have the brain capacity to understand that stealing is wrong.

3.  This topic will be stupid to everyone but me. I'm picking a new one damn it.

How to: Stop hating yourself

1. Look in the mirror and take what you think about yourself..shove it out of your head.

2. Convince yourself that you don't hate yourself or anything about yourself for about 26 seconds.

3. Feel sad against your will.

4. Go to the gym to feel better.

5. Feel better for 2 hours tops.

6. Come home and hate yourself some more.

This sucks and its too depressing. I'm not finishing it. 

HOW TO: WRITE A GOOD BLOG POST

I CANT. AND I HATE THAT I CANT.

-I was hit with cupids bow and I cant come to terms that we will never happen. 

-I literally suck at coming out of my comfort zone. I'm terrible at it. I've tried.

-I have yet to find a cure for my relentless insomnia. if you have any advice let me know. ill be here round the clock, folks.

-I still haven't forgiven my dog for stealing that last bite of sandwich out of my hand. it was the only thing I'd had to eat all day and it tasted like heavenly father.

-I haven't stopped hating myself since I was 13 years old. I have tried countless times, but each time I fail even more miserably than the first. 

-I cant seem to write "good" blog posts. I feel like I don't compare to anyone on here. I am not good enough.  And that bothers me more than it should, yet its just another thing that worsens my self esteem.

I cant write a "how to" if I'm still figuring my ish out. 

.

.

.

It doesn't matter though. This post is going to go unseen right?

My overdue dose of happiness

   You know that one feeling? that one where you're heart begins to flutter and your stomach feels 

like you're being punched in the gut...but for some odd reason you relish in that punched gut feeling? 

Where you (for just a moment) truly believe that you COULD float away? 

But you know you are chained to that 15 minute drive back home to hell, and you don't give a 

damn because you are just that happy? yeah...that was me today. 

Today I am happy.

I tasted happiness today, and it confused me on why I decided to spit it out those three years ago.

No. Not this time. This time, Im never letting it go.  I can't afford it.

It tastes too sweet. And I missed it. I missed it so much.

I suppose I have the heavens to thank for that. 

My chest is so light, My mind is so empty it almost feels foreign to me. I'm thinking about 

everything 

.

.

.

and nothing. all at once. And I love it. 

It's great to have this side of you back, Flat Stanley. You're daily dose of happiness was long overdue.

its only strategically placed bricks

18 years ago they built you up

Brick by brick until you were done. 

I  met you just as I was born, 

you are the place where all my memories are stored. 

You gave me hiding places for hide and go seek. 

you gave me swing sets that for some reason always had too many bees.

you hold the memories of my very first steps, 

and also the memories of my relentless stress.

I remember when I broke your window, because I was determined to kill a spider on the other side. 

I remember dancing in the TV room with my siblings to Christmas music with you.

I remember sliding down your stairs on my belly in my footie pajamas with my brothers.

I remember when the cops broke down your door, because they needed to "do their jobs".

I know exactly where my 5 year old drawings on your walls are (still haven't told mom)

and although its faint, and the pencil is smudged, I can still make out those misspelled words. 

I cant help but smile every time I read it.

In the back, you hold my dog.  He died exactly one week after my 6th New Years.

We banged our pots and pans on the snowy porch and lit off fire works, watching him bound through the snow.  Please keep him safe near that tree.

I still hesitate to go into our basement. It's unfinished, and my small self still warns me about the monsters that lurk down there. 

You hold the broken up notes of all our failed instruments. 

You hold the 3 am memories of me sneaking through the front window. 

By the way, thanks for never creaking...Not. 

You know all my deepest secrets, and you have been there through all my laughs and tears. 

you were built, and you built me. 

It's time for me to go. I'll take my memories with me. 

I'm keeping them close to my heart, because if I'm being honest, that's all I have left anymore. 

Memories. 

Its only strategically placed bricks. 

.

.

.

.

I'm going to miss those bricks.

Yes, Madam Conscience

"Put up another brick, your wall isn't high enough, Sweetie"


"Yes, Madam Conscience."






She is my mentor...With me every step of the way. she is the one who whispers in my ear.


She is my Madam Conscience.


Madam used to be so different, she used to laugh with me, tell me the sweetest things your ears could ever hear.


She loved every inch of me, and never doubted who I was.


Madam Conscience told me I could be ANYTHING.


She never let life get me down, even when I had every reason in the world to cry.



I loved her.



But Madam got older, and it pains me to report, that her mind has started to slip away from her.


She's become angry, and bitter.


Madam was always very good at holding her tongue, but the old hag has had enough I suppose.


I dont know her too well anymore, I'm too nervous to approach her. She hasn't been the same since she got sick.


Most of the time she lashes out, mainly at me. It's quite hard, seeing as we used to be pals.


But Madam has turned into a monster, and I don't know what to do anymore..


I know she doesn't mean what she says...but it still hurts sometimes.


"No, not that shirt hun, can't you see it makes you look rather..fat? stick to your oversized shirts, They look better on you darling!"


"Oh, there's no way you can go to THAT college sweetheart..You need to be honest with yourself sometimes."


"Let me stop you right there sugar, that boy will NEVER be interested in you, you hear? That boy needs a lady who is actually worth something!"


When I lay down to fall asleep is usually when her episodes become increasingly aggressive.


I'm trying to take care of it, but she refuses to take medicine, because she says she doesn't want to end up like her mother.


I understand, Madam Conscience.


I miss the old you, and I am sorry that life had to happen to us. I didn't know it would corrupt you this way.

I just want you to know that even though you treat me differently, I still love you. I still have our memories of when we were kids.

Goodnight, Madam Conscience.

It's time for me to try and get some shut eye. I'll hear from you in the morning, I always do.

Take caution while dating

I just really wanted to share this with you all.

Love is for shmucks

            "Happy Birthday, I'm breaking up with you." is what you very well could have said. 

As harsh as that is, still would have hurt less if done that way. 

No, instead..ill take you on a hike. Lets carve our names into the trees and talk about how much you mean to me. Ill buy you flowers and write a sweet note. We'll stargaze in a park and laugh about stupid memories. Maybe go for a drive...Then, THEN I'll leave you. I'll leave you alone in your driveway, with only your own two arms to comfort you and your tear streaked face.

But I hope you'll understand. 

I know I did those things to you, but I'm going to drop in once in awhile if you don't mind. Hey now, don't you worry darling, ill keep you on your toes. I may go four days, or maybe ten days before I decide I want to see you again. That's okay though, right?
Good.

It's time for me to leave now.

Just want to see you one last time if that's alright, we can watch the thunderstorms together and talk. And maybe during that time, I can turn to you and convincingly tell you that  "I love you" for the first time. You'll get butterflies in your stomach and tell me you love me too. Isn't that cute?

But hey, get ready because I'm going to take back that I love you in three days time, okay?

Don't feel sad though, it's not that I don't love you. I just love you as a friend is all I meant. I think this is causing tension though, so I'm going to break contact with you alright? Don't take it personally. I know that in a week or two you'll come around again. You always do, babe.

I'm visiting this weekend, but I don't want to see you. 

If you ask why, I'm going to get defensive. I just would rather spend time with my friends. On second thought though, my friends are going to be busy for the first day, and I'll have nothing better to do...may as well call you. Don't be offended beautiful..even though you're my last option it doesn't mean I care about you any less. 

And after those few months..here we are.

 Dear me, 

love is a very dangerous weapon, that should not be used by amateurs.

If you play with fire you're going to get burnt. Why can't you learn this lesson? you have been through it too many times before. Get your shit together Flat Stanley, you're acting pathetic.